There is so much relationship content online. At any moment, you can log into TikTok, Facebook, YouTube, or any other short form video platform and watch potentially hours of 15 second clips related to dating and relationships:
- Tips for long lasting relationships.
- What women are looking for in men, and vice versa.
- What healthy relationships look like.
- Comedic content about the failures of men, and when to start fights.
- Comedic content about what women are like in relationships, and on and on.
The content is interesting, funny, informative, self-reflective – it gives you something to think about in relationships.
It can also be hurting them, sometimes considerably.
At first glance, the content can feel helpful. But dating and relationships are far more complex than 15 second clips, and sometimes the little joke or the piece of “harmless” advice may actually be hurting your ability to find and maintain healthy relationships in the future.
The Problem with Short Form Video Advice
To understand how an otherwise harmless, interesting, or funny video can cause problems in a relationship, it may be best to use real life examples:
You’ve been in a relationship for a few years with a man you love. He has a tendency to leave cups out on the sink. It’s frustrating. You watch a comedy video where a woman makes fun of her husband’s tendency to leave cups out on the sink. You laugh, because it’s so relatable.
However, you’ve now also confirmed that:
- This is something your partner will always do.
- This is something worth being mat at.
- Your partner is just like other men, and it annoys other women too.
You’ve reinforced this idea that this is something your partner does, it’s bad, other women agree it’s bad, and while you might be laughing a little, a part of you deep down is now also annoyed at your partner for being like this…
… all while your partner, at that moment, had taken no action to warrant this. It wasn’t him leaving the cup. It was a dramatized comedy video you watched, made by someone else, unrelated to anything currently happening.
Watching this video, then, caused microscopic cracks in your relationship that may not seem like a big deal, but can hurt your relationship in the long run.
Let’s look at another example. You are single. You watch a video that shows a woman talking about how she wants a man that is 6’2, makes at least $100,000 per year, and exercises regularly.
What they won’t tell you is that this represents, quite literally, 0.5% of men – maybe less when you factor in other things you want, like a man that is kind, handsome, or emotionally stable. *Then* you have to get along enough to create a relationship, and they have to like you back.
Subconsciously, you begin to establish what other people find as a “high value” partner. Then, if you date someone that does not fit these demographics, a small part of you may feel like you’re settling.
Even if you do not agree about the height, income, exercise, etc., what these videos do is lead to you establishing a set of qualifications you require to date someone. It’s fine to have standards, but the most successful relationships are the ones built organically based on mutual attraction and interest. If you’re single, but you’re viewing partners through a checklist – especially, but not necessarily, an unrealistic one – and your ability to find a mate that you value and that you’re happy with shrinks.
Lastly, let’s say you watch a video that shows a husband or wife in a perfect marriage. They travel together, the man opens the door for her, he’s a great dad, and more. You think to yourself “I want that for me” and view anyone you date by whether they reach those standards.
It’s very hard to process the reality, which is that:
- These videos are heavily edited.
- They do not show you a realistic depiction of day to day life.
- All relationships have ups and downs.
- All relationships establish their norms and habits differently.
The TikTok Video or Facebook Reel makes you feel like a perfect marriage is obtainable. But “Perfect” does not exist, nor should it be the standard you view everything. By viewing the heavily edited short form video, you now create comparisons in your mind that your future or current partner are probably not going to be able to match.
Time Spent on Reels and With Your Partner
Finally, it’s not only what you watch on Reels and TikToks, but also how long you spend there. Time spent on these social media apps is time not spent with a partner or, sometimes more importantly, time spent with yourself, doing activities that help you feel happier and more energized so you can take more into your relationship.
Harmless Fun Often Isn’t
Relationships are complex. They’re messy. They’re filled with emotions and they’re unique to each individual. Short form video makes relationships sound simple, and does so in ways that also represent difficult if not impossible to obtain standards.
So, while it can feel like harmless fun to watch video, sometimes those same relationship tiktoks and dating reels are actually harming your relationship.
Still, it’s so hard to tell someone that they need to log out of social media. We all basically live on it these days. Yet, as we’ve talked about on this blog in the past, the science shows that the “relaxed” feeling we have when we’re scrolling is actually not relaxation but digital overload, and while we feel like we’re happy watching them, our brain is stressed, tired, and overstimulated.
If you want to learn how to have better relationships, or you want to get off your phone and manage your mental health in the real world, please reach out to me today. I see people in person in Scottsdale, and online throughout Arizona.
