For those that are interested in relationships, it can be challenging to be single. It can be a hit to our self-esteem – something that makes us feel undesirable.
The goal of dating is to find someone we truly connect with in order to build a life with them. Yet, we still want to feel like we’re finding someone of “Worth.” We want to feel like we’ve earned the love and affection of someone that has value to us and the world.
One of the challenges that comes from being single for longer than we anticipated, or having trouble attracting the people we feel are “high value” mates is that it can push us to become even more determined to prove our value by focusing only on those that we believe other people value. We stop looking for who we fall in love with, and start looking for who others would objectively agree is worth loving.
The Need to Prove Our Worth
When a person is struggling with lower self-esteem, especially if they had higher self-esteem in the past, they may start to seek validation from others. They may become determined to prove their worth and value, especially to people that they felt didn’t see it in the past, such as:
- Past Lovers
- Past Crushes
- Family Members
Rather than meet people to see if they have a connection, they may find themselves focused exclusively on people that are physically attractive, or wealthy, or “cool,” or would be considered palatable to their family. Dating no longer becomes something they’re doing to find love, but rather something they are doing to prove that they’re worth a lot to others.
When this happens, it opens the door to a lot of potential problems:
- They may have trouble attracting those people that they see as “high value,” staying single for longer and becoming even more hardened and determined to seek these types of mates.
- They may be extra critical of the people they date, looking for flaws or evidence that this person is not the high value mate that they want – regardless of how well they seem to connect.
- When they find someone that they do think is a high value mate, they may ignore problems within the relationship or even compatibility issues in an effort to make the relationship work.
- If they do find themselves connecting or even falling in love with someone that may not be “High Value” they may still be prone to seeking out that high value mate validation, potentially damaging their existing relationship.
They may miss out on individuals that would provide them with happiness and connection. Over time, they may be determined to find someone of higher and higher value, fearing that they’re “settling” if they elect to be with someone that doesn’t meet these increasingly standards.
Knowing Your Worth and Finding Your Partner
Addressing these challenges requires two different things:
- First, it requires rebuilding your self-esteem and disconnecting it from whether you are single or in a relationship.
- Second, it requires re-aligning your dating preferences to seek out someone that is right for you, not someone that is valued by others.
One of the reasons I work with so many singles as a therapist is because I know that – for those seeking relationships – being single for a while can be very disheartening and challenging. It can affect a person’s mental health and happiness. In some cases, it can also make it even harder for them to find connections in the future.
If you feel like this struggle resonates with you, please give me a call and let’s start a conversation. Together, we can help you better understand how to find a partner that is right for you, and how to embrace yourself and being single in the interim.
