Relationships are a single entity made up of two individuals, each one with their own needs and wants. When two people want different things or communicate in different ways, this has the potential to create conflict – a heated discussion, an argument, or even a fight.
There’s a belief that a relationship is unhealthy when there is a lot of conflict. There is some truth to this – conflict is not fun, and it makes it much harder to feel happy and connected – but conflict is not necessarily the sign that a relationship is in trouble. What may affect the relationship most is not the arguments themselves, but how you move forward after.
Growing Attachment
One phrase that may be used to describe this is “Rupture and Repair.” The word “Rupture” refers to conflicts that interfere with your relationship, and “Repair” refers to the processes that a couple uses heal the relationship after.
Many couples are not taught how to repair effectively.
We see this even more when a couple is young. They’re not taught how to navigate conflict and reconciliation in relationships. They’re not taught how to truly address the issue in a healthy way, instead:
- Ignoring it all together.
- Arguing more and then giving up.
- Carrying it with them and building resentment.
This does not work. Resentment is far more likely to lead to the end of a relationship than conflict is. Conflict can happen even in the happiest of relationships when two people are trying to navigate their own needs with each other, but resentment, anger, and a lack of listening or change is what can cause a relationship to end.
But we’re not just talking about whether a relationship will end. We’re also talking about growing it.
How to repair a relationship also plays a role in relationship success, and potentially in a positive way. When a couple learns to “repair” effectively, they:
- Build emotional attachment with each other, resulting in a deeper bond. Studies have shown that successful repair actually releases oxytocin in the brain, which is the hormone that creates a deeper feeling of connection.
- Experienced a reduced stress response (reduced cortisol) which helps a couple feel more comfortable around each other and more capable of being happy.
- Reduced future conflict. When a couple understands each other, they are less likely to argue about their needs. Conflict may not be as important as repair, but it is not enjoyable, and can take away from other activities that both of you will enjoy.
Conflict itself does not define the strength of a relationship – the way couples respond to conflict does. When partners learn to repair effectively, arguments can become opportunities for growth rather than lasting wounds. Over time, this process can strengthen trust, increase emotional security, and create a deeper sense of partnership.
What is the Right Way to “Repair?”
When couples struggle to repair after conflict, it is not usually because they lack care for one another. More often, it is because they have not developed the skills or tools to move from rupture back to connection. Therapists often guide couples through structured approaches that can make repair more effective and sustainable.
Some common components of repair include:
- Acknowledging what happened and the emotions involved
- Taking responsibility for one’s role in the conflict
- Offering reassurance that the relationship matters
- Engaging in calm, open communication about how to move forward
Repair is not about assigning blame or “winning” the fight. It is about working together to restore balance in the relationship.
Build Relationship Skills with Kavita Hatten
My name is Kavita, and I am a therapist in Phoenix. I provide individual relationship counseling that is there to help anyone in any type of relationship (or even singles) learn the skills they need to have healthier relationships and more fulfilling connections.
It starts with you. Reach out today and let’s get started.
