We want to be heard. We want to be supported. We want the person that we’re with to read between the lines, hear what we’re really saying, and make changes that address some of the needs we have in the relationship.
But then, when we’re talking about our needs with someone, we notice that they’re getting defensive. They’re arguing back. They’re not really listening to our hurt and our pain, and instead they’re trying to prove they’re meeting our needs when they’re not.
What happened?
Sometimes, the issue is in the language that we use, in particular two very heavy, very impactful words:
- Always
- Never
It is very, very common for people to use these two words when they’re having an argument with their partner. They are even more common when a person has repeat hurt – when they’re talking about an issue that they’ve talked about in the past, only to see that nothing has changed.
The challenge, however, is that these two words invite defensiveness. They almost ask our partners to argue back. They’re loaded words – words that can actually make it harder for our partners to hear us and, depending on the situation, may even justify our partners arguing back.
Why They Get Defensive – Because Nothing is Always or Never
When we’re upset with someone, we often use language to highlight our needs, even if it is hyperbolic. We say things like:
- “You never tell me you love me first.”
- “You always pick your friends over me.”
- “You never text me back right away.”
- “You always stay out later than you said you would.”
We use this language because it often describes a recurring pattern, and because in the moment that’s how it feels. It can feel like a person “never” helps with the kids. Or they “always” ignore you.
There are two problems with this language:
First, very, very few things in life are “always” or “never.” Once you use that terminology, you open the door for a partner to feel and act defensively. They’ll say something like “I texted you back immediately just yesterday!” and maybe even take out their phone to prove it. Meanwhile, you get more upset because your needs are not being heard, while they are more upset because you said that something always occurs when it doesn’t.
Another issue, however, is that sometimes change is incremental, and using “Always” and “Never” language can set back those incremental changes. Let’s pretend, for example, that a partner rarely, if ever, says “I love you” first. You have an argument, and over the course of the next few months, they start to say “I love you” a bit more – not a lot, but a bit more. They’re trying, but just not changing as fast as you like.
Now you have an argument about it, and you say “you never say ‘I love you’ first.” That has the opportunity to create an even greater conflict. The person DOES say it, albeit rarely, and they say it more than they did previously, but by using “never” language, you invalidate those smaller changes. It can not only cause emotional hurt, but may dissuade them from further positive, gradual change – feeling hopeless than their effort wasn’t noticed/appreciated.
What’s the Alternative?
It’s hard to control our language in the moment. But we need to try our best to communicate with clarity. We can say something like “hey, I did notice that you were making an effort to say that you loved me first, but I also noticed it became a bit less frequent over time. I really appreciated when you were doing it more, and it’s made me sad that it started decreasing in frequency again. Can we work on that?”
This type of communication allows for a person to really be heard. It makes it harder for someone to focus on defense, and opens the door for better listening.
“Always” and “Never” can be far more damaging than many realize. Consider looking for other, less definitive language that makes it easier for people to listen and respond.
