One of the most common pieces of relationship advice out there is to “just communicate better.” Communicate your needs. Communicate your feelings. Communicate when something bothers you. The idea is that if both people would just talk openly and honestly, the relationship would improve.
This advice isn’t wrong.
Communication is important.
But if you’re in a codependent relationship, communication alone may not be enough. You’ve probably already tried communicating. You’ve had the conversations. You’ve explained how you feel. You’ve tried to be clear about what you need. And yet nothing changes.
That’s because codependency isn’t a communication problem. It’s a dynamic problem, and talking may not be enough on its own to fix a dynamic that both people are actively maintaining.
Communication Assumes Both People Want – Or Can Want – the Same Thing
Healthy communication works when both people in the relationship want the same outcome — a stronger, more balanced partnership where both people feel valued and supported. In that context, talking through problems helps you get there.
Codependent relationships don’t work that way. The dynamic itself serves a purpose for both people, even if that purpose is dysfunctional. One person gets to avoid responsibility, accountability, or emotional growth. The other person gets to feel needed, important, or in control. Both people are invested in the dynamic continuing, even if they consciously say they want it to change.
When you communicate your needs in a codependent relationship, you’re asking the other person to give up something they’re getting from the current arrangement. That’s why the conversation can go nowhere. They hear you. They might even agree with you in the moment. But they’re not actually motivated to change because the relationship as it exists is working for them, despite the other ways that it may be harming the relationship’s success.
You Can’t Communicate Your Way Out of a One-Sided Dynamic
Codependent relationships are fundamentally unbalanced. One person does most of the emotional work, takes responsibility for both people’s feelings, and adjusts constantly to keep the relationship stable. The other person gets to show up inconsistently, avoid difficult conversations, and rely on their partner to manage everything.
If you’re the one doing all the work, you might think that if you just explain it clearly enough, your partner will finally understand and start contributing equally. But here’s the problem: they already know. They know you’re doing more. They know the relationship is unbalanced. They’re just okay with it.
Communicating how exhausted you are, how much you’re carrying, or how unfair the dynamic feels doesn’t create change because change would require them to step up, and stepping up is uncomfortable. It’s easier to let you keep doing what you’re doing.
Similarly, the person doing all the work may be so used to performing the work that – while they theoretically want someone to take away their emotional and physical labor – they may not provide space for the person to take the labor and do it potentially a different way.
Codependency Thrives on Empty Promises
In codependent relationships, communication often becomes a tool for maintaining the status quo rather than changing it. Your partner listens. They apologize. They promise to do better. They might even make a genuine effort for a few days or weeks. Then things slide back to how they were.
This pattern isn’t about poor communication skills. It’s about the fact that the relationship’s foundation is built on one person over-functioning and the other under-functioning. Without addressing that imbalance at a structural level, talking about it just becomes another way to release pressure without actually changing anything.
You feel heard temporarily, which keeps you in the relationship. Your partner avoids consequences temporarily, which keeps them comfortable. The cycle continues.
Communication Requires Two People Willing to Be Uncomfortable
Real communication in a relationship isn’t just about talking. It’s about both people being willing to sit with discomfort, take accountability, and make changes based on what they’re hearing.
In codependent relationships, that willingness is often missing. The person who’s been getting their needs met by avoiding responsibility doesn’t want to become uncomfortable. The person who’s been over-functioning doesn’t want to stop because it means losing their sense of control or purpose.
Even when you communicate clearly, if neither person is willing to fundamentally shift how they’re showing up in the relationship, nothing changes. You’re just talking about the problem without actually addressing it.
What Actually Needs to Change
Fixing a codependent relationship isn’t about better communication. It’s about changing the dynamic, and that requires action, not conversation.
This means:
- Setting boundaries and enforcing them, even when it’s uncomfortable.
- Stopping the pattern of over-functioning and allowing your partner to experience the natural consequences of their choices.
- Being willing to let the relationship struggle or even end rather than continuing to prop it up alone.
It also means addressing why you’ve been willing to accept a one-sided dynamic in the first place. What are you getting from being the person who does everything? What are you afraid will happen if you stop? Those are the questions that therapy can help you explore.
For the other person, change would mean stepping up, taking responsibility, and doing the emotional work they’ve been avoiding. Most people in the under-functioning role won’t do this unless they have to — meaning, unless the relationship is genuinely at risk and they believe you’ll actually leave.
When Communication Becomes a Distraction
Sometimes communication in a codependent relationship becomes a way to avoid the harder truth: the relationship might not be fixable. As long as you’re still talking, still trying to make your partner understand, still hoping the next conversation will be the one that finally works, you don’t have to face the possibility that no amount of talking will change anything.
Communication keeps you engaged. It makes you feel like you’re doing something productive. But if the same conversations keep happening without any real change, communication has become a distraction from the decision you actually need to make.
Moving Forward
If you’re in a codependent relationship and communication isn’t working, it’s not because you’re explaining yourself poorly. It’s because the problem isn’t a lack of understanding. It’s a lack of willingness to change the underlying dynamic.
That’s where therapy can help. Individual therapy — not couples therapy, but therapy focused on you — can help you understand why you’ve been accepting this dynamic, what you’re afraid of, and what boundaries you need to set to protect yourself.
Codependent relationships don’t necessarily heal through better conversations alone. They heal when one person stops participating in the dysfunction and starts building a life that doesn’t revolve around managing someone else’s behavior.
If you’re struggling with codependency, anxiety, low self-esteem, or relationship challenges, Kavita Hatten offers individual relationship therapy in Phoenix, Arizona. You can reach her at (480) 598-9540 or fill out the online form to schedule an appointment.
