Our emotions can be complicated, and they can be misleading. Love is no exception. There are times when what we “think” is love is actually something else entirely, and part of finding and maintaining healthy relationships is recognizing when we’re feeling true, genuine love, and when we’re feeling something that just “feels” like love.
One challenge that many people face is that they mistake physical attraction and physical arousal with love. The two emotions can trigger very similar feelings in the brain and many women find that it’s especially hard to tell these emotions apart, because they were not raised to understand the difference.
Society and Repressing Sexuality
While it does feel like things have been changing recently, living in a patriarchal, gender-focused society has often treated women as objects of men’s desire. Women in traditional households are raised on this idea that men are attracted to them, men are the pursuers, women should succumb to “the chase,” and women should seek out men based on factors like wealth or safety/security, not physical attraction.
Sex is taught almost as though it’s a “gift” for men rather than acknowledging that not only do women have needs and sexual desires of their own, but that women can also want to be with men they’re physically attracted to.
When you’re raised in a society that does not acknowledge female sexuality, and does not teach young women that they can be attracted to men physically, you can end up in a situation where you’re unable to differentiate physical attraction and desire with love, because you do not have a cognitive framework that tells you that it’s perfectly normal to desire someone sexually without it being a sign of love.
What happens is that women, especially young women, can experience:
- Powerful Love-like Emotions – Attraction is not love, but it can feel very powerful, and so a person may believe themselves to be falling in love with someone, overlooking that they are not a good match, because they are overwhelmed by this desire that they do not understand.
- Codependent Behaviors – When a person thinks they love someone that they’re only attracted to physically, it can cause a situation where a partner knowingly or unknowingly takes advantage. Women may be overlooking major flaws or even mistreatment because they believe themselves to be in love and even enable behaviors to avoid conflict in order to keep the attraction and love going.
- Love at First Kiss – When you’re taught that you should only give yourself to someone sexually if you love them, then the first kiss/first sexual experience you have can create a cognitive dissonance that convinces you that you must love that person.
Physical attraction and love often feel like very similar emotions. Parceling the difference between them requires embracing your own sexuality and identity so that you can both know what you want and make sure that you’re aware when you’ve found the right person or just a right-now person.
If you need help navigating your relationships, or even being single, please reach out to me today.
