Dating is different now than it was 20+ years ago. While online dating has been around for a while, before smartphones, most people were out and about – increasing the odds that they’d run into someone that they could have a connection with.
Now, most people spend a significant portion of their awake time on a screen, and that has made dating apps the *overwhelmingly* most common way that people are finding dates and, eventually, meeting their spouses.
(side note: you’ll notice that 45% of people find online dating the easiest way to find dates, but only 30% find their eventual spouses there. We’ll touch on that in a moment).
Online dating has changed the way that we connect with single people, and in that sense it has many benefits. There are many people now, for example, that are able to meet people they would otherwise have no way of meeting – not only locally, but nationwide.
Yet, one would think that if online dating were achieving it’s goals (making it easier to meet someone you have a connection with, and ultimately enjoy a relationship), then dating now would be easier, not harder. Most people report and agree that the dating world is increasingly tough to navigate, and that while online dating has its advantages, it also has some significant drawbacks as well.
About Me
My name is Kavita Hatten. I am a therapist in Phoenix, and one of my specialties is dating therapy and dating coaching. I help singles loves themselves more and put themselves in the best position possible to find fulfilling partners, and I help individuals that are in relationships find themselves and put themselves in the best position to give and receive love. If you’re interested, please call me today at (480) 598-9540 or fill out my online form.
What Makes Dating Apps So Challenging?
Dating – not unlike the people participating in it – is complicated. So, too, is the way that we connect with others. There are arguably countless reasons that dating apps can actually make dating harder, not easier, but as a relationship therapist, it is especially important to understand the effects of dating apps on what people look for, how they connect, and more.
For example, these apps introduce many issues, such as:
- No Organic Connection – Organic connection (an attraction and pursuance that takes place naturally based on circumstance) isn’t required for a relationship to work. Online dating sites CAN introduce couples together. But an organic connection is often one that allows people to see that they’re connected *first* before they assume to date. Meeting someone in a bar might not sound romantic, but it requires an introduction, laughter, risk, communication, and more that makes any relationship that grows from it more natural. Dating with an app only requires you swipe right.
- No Need to Develop In Person Skills – We learn from our experiences, and that includes learning to pursue relationships and be pursued. In the app world, these experiences do not exist. Digital flirting is not the same as in-person flirting, and so many people show up to dates unsure of how to handle themselves or connect with someone else.
- Popularity Contest – It’s true that many of us desire a physical attraction to a partner, but in person, we can build attraction from experiences. We can see someone we would not normally be attracted to smile or do something funny, and find ourselves attracted to that person. On apps, it’s just photos, and so people with better photos get a lot more attention and people without them get less. That difference affects both partners – the one with the barrage of requests and the one without – affecting their ability to navigate relationships.
- Continuing Pool – In the early days of dating, you’re not committed. You can go on dates with other people. But, when you meet people on a dating app, it becomes harder to know when to stop. Imagine, for example, you’re enjoying dating someone and thinking about commitment, but you’re still on your apps and a new connection that you’re attracted to is there. When do you delete the apps? When do you stop? This post from a Reddit account says it well:
- Chance for Frequent Rejection – Online dating makes it so easy to meet people that it can also make it easy to get rejected by many people. That can be harmful for a person’s self-esteem and self-worth. We meet people offline much less frequently, which means less rejection and more confidence.
- Chance for Frequent Risk – When all you have is photos, you’re also putting yourself at greater personal risk than when you meet someone online and you can review their tone, body language, and behaviors. When dating creates a feeling of risk, it takes some of the joy out of dating.
Also, dating apps are also affected by a larger issue: that we ARE spending too much time on our phones. Even on dates, we may find ourselves on the our phones, failing to spend as much quality time with the person we’re with.
Our phones help us stay connected, but they are nowhere close to a substitute for in-person time. Texting is a worse way of communicating, it rarely provides depth or context, and it doesn’t create connections. Sending DMs back and forth for months is worth less than going on a couple of dates. But, the same thing that draws many people to online dating (difficulty meeting people because we do less with others in person) is also an issue that can stand in the way of a fulfilling relationship.
What to Do
Online dating can have real value for meeting people. But you have to understand yourself. You have to be in your best mental health. You have to recognize what is required to create a healthy relationship. You have to address past traumas, and more.
You also have to know what you’re really looking for, seek that out (rather than just look at photos) and put in the work to help that relationship thrive.
If you’ve been struggling with relationships and online dating, reach out to me today and let’s have a conversation.
