It often feels like life has become more overwhelming now than ever before. Part of that may be the stage we are in our lives – many of us trying to navigate difficult careers, parenting, relationships, and more – but that does not explain all of it.
There are issues now that can increase burnout that did not exist in the past. For example, we are now constantly stimulated with screens and, relatedly, getting less sleep than ever. We also are more aware of the world than at any time before, and the work we do is often more intellectually and psychologically challenging rather than physically challenging.
In any event, many of us are now more frequently experiencing burnout, and that burnout is becoming an issue not only with our own mental health, but our relationship as well.
The Burnout Conversation for Couples
We’ve talked about burnout a few times in the past, but burnout can best be described as a feeling of psychological overwhelm that makes a person feel emotionally, psychologically, and mentally exhausted to a degree that causes them distress.
The solution to burnout is, in many ways, doing nothing. It’s unplugging from the internet, sitting in a quiet space, breathing, and being alone so that you can stop your overwhelmed mind and experience some much necessary relaxation time.
The problem is that this can be difficult for partners/families. If you have children, they need your attention. If you have a partner, they may struggle to understand what you need and why you need it, as well as how they can support you in the process. It may not seem offhand like a conversation that sparks conflict, but the problem is “I need to be alone” can be a very stress-inducing phrase for those in a partnership, and so easing that stress can reduce defensiveness and help you get support.
If you’re having issues with burnout and you need that alone time, here’s how you can talk to your partner about it:
- Explain what’s happened clearly. Say that X, Y, and Z has caused you to feel extremely overwhelmed, and you would like some time to take a mental break to address the exhaustion and be more present.
- Describe in detail what you’re going to do to address it. Say how long you need, what you plan to do during that time, what you plan not to do, and why you think it will help. Conflict can often be avoided when there’s clarity in what you need, and your partner will be able to support you better if they understand what you’re going to be doing.
- Provide a positive next step after burnout. While you do not owe anybody anything just for taking a much needed break, often ending with a statement like “I haven’t been able to be present, and I need this to feel present. Once I’m done, let’s go on a walk and spend time together” can help relieve tension and even excite someone about helping you during that time.
You should also keep yourself accountable. Make sure you really are off your phone and unplugged. Ensure that you really are taking advantage of that time.
If you can come back when you’re done with your alone time and feel refreshed and ready, your partner will know that it’s something that benefits you and may even be more proactive in giving it to you in the future. But if you come back and say you spend it on your phone, got a phone call, went shopping and were stressed because of a crowd, etc., then it might be a catalyst for future conflict the next time you need this space.
Everyone deserves to have that relaxing, “me time” that takes place alone and helps you destress from a tough day. But it still helps to have a productive conversation about it to ease the process and even excite your family into helping you get this time to yourself. Burnout can occur at multiple points in a person’s life, so good conversations surrounding burnout with a partner can be an asset for getting more alone time in the future.
If you’re looking for a therapist to help you with burnout or your relationship, please reach out to me today.
