One of the challenges facing many women, especially those in relationships and those with kids – is feeling overwhelmed by a “mental load” – a series of tasks, to do lists, needs, and worries that are essentially always on your mind.
We are often taught that it is our role to take care of the household, and thus it is also our role to worry about what happens in the household. Over time, however, carrying this much mental weight can lead to issues such as:
- Burnout – When you have too much on your mind at all times, at some point you may find that you feel like you can’t handle anything else. Since life has a tendency to throw new things your way unexpectedly, carrying heavy mental burdens can be problematic.
- Not Feeling Present – When your mind is on your tasks, that means that it’s harder for your mind to be on the things and people going on around you. Many moms, especially, feel like they can’t be present for their kids or spouse because they’re thinking too much about what’s next.
- Stress and Anxiety – Heavy mental loads are a form of stress and, perhaps unsurprisingly, living with that type of stress for an extended period of time can cause the development of more serious stress and anxiety issues.
- Relationship Issues – If you have too much on your mind, chances are it’s harder to find yourself relaxed enough to be intimate, you’re probably more irritable, you may be on your phone more trying to “veg” or get tasks done, etc.
It’s hard to carry a mental burden of any kind, but those that find that they’re carrying this burden *all* the time are going to feel like they’re suffering, and that suffering can only cause more problems over time.
First – About Me
My name is Kavita Hatten. I am a therapist in Phoenix that is licensed to provide psychotherapy and mental health support throughout the entire state of Arizona. I work with many patients of all different backgrounds, but I especially focus on women that need help overcoming stress and anxiety, especially in their relationships and day to day life.
Reach out to me today to get started.
What Happens Next?
Addressing mental burden in a general sense is something that we’ll want to talk about in therapy. We’ll want to discuss how to reduce your anxiety about things you cannot control, how to maintain the energy to handle your tasks, how to avoid anxiety and stress for less important things, how not to add to your own workload, and more. These are best worked out with a therapist, and I’d love a chance for us to chat and discuss this further.
With that in mind, let’s talk about one part of reducing your mental burden: talking to your partner about it.
First, have you talked to your partner about it at all?
Often, we find the answer is no. Some people *think* that they do because they’ll express their frustration about how much they have to do and, potentially, how little help that they’re getting. But not everyone actually takes the time to really talk to their partner about what they’re going through, explain why it matters to them, and discuss what needs to be done.
That is why it might be a good idea to sit down with them and start this type of conversation. Discuss:
- What you’re struggling with. “I have a lot to do, we have a dinner on Tuesday I have to plan, and…” conversations are not really explaining the actual struggle. The real struggle will need to start with a conversation like “So I want talk about why I always feel distracted,” and then move on to share your feelings about what it’s like to always have so much on your mind.
- What kind of help you need. What are you looking for from your partner? Remember, it’s not just about what you need *in the moment* (though that still matters). It’s about asking your partner to take on some of the mental load that you struggle with every day. You can say something like “I am always worried about the kids school, home cleaning, and my parent’s health. I was wondering if you could be in charge of the kid’s school more, and if we could hire a home cleaner. Here’s what I’m thinking…”
- Why you need it. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for the many reasons and benefits of taking more burdens off your hands, but when talking to someone that may not understand your situation, it does sometimes help to have them visualize the person YOU want to be, so that they understand why them helping you is going to make everyone’s life better.
Your conversation can be like “I find that I always have this huge to do list that I’m worried about and I often feel like I’m the only one worrying about it. That’s been causing me to feel overwhelmed and, sometimes paralyzed, which means not only am I overwhelmed but I’m also less able to get things done. I am not looking for you to do all my tasks for me, but I think I would feel so much better if we could figure out a better way to delegate these. Maybe we can create a list and assign tasks? What do you think?”
This type of approach can start a conversation that can ultimately help you feel more supported and reduce your mental burden. You may have your own ideas and plans, but this helps take steps in the right direction.
Your Relationship, Worries, and Stresses
Those that experience this type of mental burden will need more than partner support to start addressing anxiety, but it’s an important step. If you’d like to learn more, or get help for your anxiety and stress, please reach out to me today.
