So many of us have experienced it – the pain that comes from thinking about someone that has hurt us, or someone that is no longer a part of our lives. This is especially common after breakups, where we want so much to forget about that person, only to find that it seems like they’re always on our mind.
We can’t force ourselves to forget someone, no matter how much we want to.
In fact, the more we try to forget someone, the worse it will get, and there are actually scientific, psychological reasons why.
The Science of Trying to Forget
To understand what happens when you try to forget someone, let’s talk about the “pink elephant experiment.”
Researchers split people into two groups. One group of people were told to think about a “pink elephant.” Another group of people were told “do NOT think about a pink elephant.” The people that were told to suppress their thoughts about the pink elephant found that they were thinking about a pink elephant more than those that were told they could think about one any time they want.
In other words, the more you try to forget a thought, the more you think about it.
There’s many reason this occurs:
- It takes a lot of mental energy to force yourself to forget something. That mental energy ends up pushing the thought back in your mind.
- In order to actively suppress a thought, you have to remember what you’re suppressing. This creates a paradox where you’re reminding yourself of something in order to forget it.
- Our brains do not want us to forget anything. They are designed to help us remember. The more we try to forget something (or someone) the more our brain fights it by bringing it back into our conscious.
Researchers have actually been able to see this activity in the brain. They’re able to note that, in those asked to suppress a thought, the memory and recall centers are more active, causing it to intrude on other thoughts.
Remembering to Forget
When we feel like we want to forget someone in our past, the best way to do that is to allow ourselves to remember. Be okay with the thought of them, even if it causes some emotional pain. Because the more you try to forget him, her, or them, the more likely you are to remember and the more hurt you may experience.
If you need help overcoming a breakup, moving on from emotional hurt, or stopping intrusive thoughts, please reach out to me today.
