Relationships are built on communication. But far too often, when we hear the word “communication,” we think it means “talking.” We’re often told that we need therapy to “work on our communication,” but when we hear those words we often envision someone telling us we need to talk about our problems.
Most of us know that already. You may even feel that you talk about your problems too often, or you’re afraid to talk because you think you will have an argument.
But, as a therapist, when we say to “work on your communication,” it’s not just about talking more. Many couples already talk a lot. It’s about specific, deeper aspects of how people communicate, express themselves, listen to others, and manage emotional responses during interactions.
Effective communication is not just about talking. It involves understanding how to express thoughts and emotions clearly, listening with intention, and responding in a way that supports understanding and connection. Poor communication patterns are often linked to conflict, misunderstandings, and emotional distress in relationships, which is why improving communication skills is a common focus in therapy.
What “Communication” Really Means
Therapists address communication from multiple angles, focusing on the emotional and behavioral patterns that influence how people relate to one another. When a therapist encourages someone to work on communication, they are typically referring to the following core areas:
Expressing Thoughts and Feelings Clearly
Many people struggle to communicate their needs, emotions, or opinions directly and clearly. Therapists often work with clients to improve how they express themselves so their message is understood without confusion or misinterpretation.
- Speaking with Clarity – Avoiding vague or unclear language and stating exactly what is needed or felt.
- Using “I” Statements – Instead of blaming language (e.g., “You never listen”), using statements like “I feel unheard when…” reduces defensiveness and promotes understanding.
- Being Direct Without Being Confrontational – Learning to communicate needs and boundaries without aggression or passive-aggressiveness.
Example: Instead of saying, “You always ignore me,” a clearer statement would be, “I feel hurt when I don’t get a response after reaching out.”
Active Listening
Good communication is not just about talking. It also involves listening with the intent to understand, not just to respond. Therapists help clients strengthen their listening skills by encouraging the following practices:
- Focusing Fully on the Speaker – Maintaining eye contact, avoiding distractions, and giving full attention to the person speaking.
- Reflecting and Validating – Summarizing what was said and acknowledging the speaker’s feelings to confirm understanding.
- Asking Clarifying Questions – Seeking further explanation when something is unclear instead of assuming or interrupting.
Example: After someone shares a difficult experience, saying, “It sounds like you felt overwhelmed when that happened. Is that right?” shows that the speaker feels heard and understood.
Managing Emotional Reactions During Conversations
Many communication breakdowns stem from emotional reactions, such as defensiveness, anger, or shutting down. Therapists often help clients improve emotional regulation to prevent these reactions from interfering with communication.
- Staying Calm When Triggered – Learning to take a pause, breathe, and avoid escalating the conversation.
- Avoiding Blame and Criticism – Focusing on how the situation made you feel rather than attacking the other person.
- Practicing Self-Soothing Techniques – Grounding exercises, deep breathing, or taking a break can help regulate emotions during heated discussions.
Example: Instead of reacting with anger or defensiveness, saying, “I need a moment to calm down before we continue this conversation,” allows for emotional regulation and more productive dialogue.
Setting and Respecting Boundaries
Healthy communication includes the ability to set and maintain personal boundaries. Therapists often teach clients how to express boundaries clearly and enforce them without guilt or conflict.
- Identifying Personal Limits – Recognizing what is emotionally and mentally acceptable in a relationship or interaction.
- Using Direct and Firm Language – Politely but firmly communicating when a boundary is crossed.
- Following Through on Consequences – If a boundary is ignored, reinforcing it with consistent actions.
Example: Instead of saying, “I guess it’s fine if you’re late,” a clearer boundary would be, “I need you to let me know if you’re running late so I’m not waiting.”
Understanding Nonverbal Communication
Communication is not just verbal. Body language, tone, and facial expressions convey just as much (if not more) than words. Therapists often work with clients to become more aware of these cues.
- Maintaining Open Body Language – Facing the speaker, making eye contact, and avoiding crossing arms or looking away.
- Matching Tone to Intent – Ensuring that tone of voice aligns with the message being conveyed (e.g., avoiding sarcasm or hostility).
- Reading the Other Person’s Cues – Paying attention to changes in tone, facial expressions, or posture to adjust the conversation’s tone if needed.
Example: Saying, “I’m fine,” with crossed arms and an irritated tone sends a different message than saying it with an open posture and a relaxed tone.
Communicating with Empathy and Validation
Empathy strengthens communication by allowing the other person to feel heard and understood. Therapists often teach clients how to validate the other person’s feelings without necessarily agreeing with them.
- Reflecting Feelings – Acknowledging the emotional content of what was shared.
- Avoiding Judgment – Listening without inserting personal opinions or criticism.
- Encouraging Open Dialogue – Creating a safe space for the other person to share their feelings.
Example: Instead of saying, “You’re overreacting,” an empathetic response would be, “I can see why that upset you. That sounds difficult.”
Handling Conflict Productively
Therapists help clients develop conflict resolution skills so that disagreements don’t escalate into hostility or withdrawal.
- Using a Calm and Respectful Tone – Keeping the conversation focused on the issue without personal attacks.
- Focusing on Solutions – Shifting the conversation toward problem-solving rather than blame.
- Agreeing to Disagree When Necessary – Recognizing when compromise is not possible and setting healthy boundaries.
Example: Instead of arguing endlessly, saying, “I understand that we see this differently. Let’s figure out how we can meet in the middle,” keeps the conversation focused on resolution.
Why Therapists Focus on Communication
As therapist, we emphasize communication because poor communication patterns are often at the root of emotional distress and relationship conflict. Unclear expectations, passive-aggressive behavior, defensiveness, and emotional shutdowns can create a cycle of misunderstanding and frustration. By improving communication, clients often experience:
- Reduced conflict and misunderstandings
- Stronger emotional connections with others
- Greater ability to resolve conflicts without escalation
- Increased emotional awareness and self-regulation
- More confidence in setting and maintaining personal boundaries
When communication improves, conversations become more balanced and respectful. Individuals are able to express themselves without fear of judgment, listen without becoming defensive, and work through disagreements without emotional escalation. Healthy communication strengthens both personal and professional relationships, reduces emotional tension, and helps individuals feel more in control of their emotional world.
Developing Lifelong Communication Skills
When therapists advise working on communication, they are encouraging clients to build a set of lifelong skills that extend beyond relationships and into all areas of life. Effective communication leads to stronger interpersonal connections, reduced emotional conflict, and improved overall mental health.
If you’re looking for a relationship focused therapist in the Phoenix area that specializes in helping individuals work on communication within themselves, please reach out to me today.
